I don’t really know how I ever became so angry. I’m not sure how anger became my default emotion. Everything always seemed to just irritate me. I found every reason for everything to make me want to blame.
I especially had a lot of anger towards my parents, and I took every opportunity to blame them for my shortcomings. They weren’t good enough. They weren’t intelligent enough. I was better than them. Their goals and ambitions seemed non-existent to me. I fought them on everything about them, especially on who they were. I needed relief from them. I needed saving.
This was all just a few years ago, not long ago at all. I feel totally different now. Yes, about them too.
I was given a second chance at being their daughter. I experienced a tragedy, and I needed a safe space to heal. I needed stability. I went home to them.
In the beginning I took a lot out on them. I was angry at my trauma and situation, and I screamed at them a lot. All the while I kept thinking I had to get out of that horrible place. I tried so hard. I took shit jobs and I tried to get back to my old ways. But that was harder than I thought it could be, and it surprised me. The anger turned, and I began putting everything on myself. I questioned What is wrong with you? Why can’t you … ? I was somehow at fault for everything, and I didn’t like it.
I believe everyone is responsible for their actions, so I pointed my finger at me. I started looking for the why behind everything I went through, and what was happening, and why I was where I was in life. This certainly wasn’t part of my plan. Without realizing it I slipped into a stage of transformational healing.
The slip forced me to slow down and choose to be still. What do you want? YOU have to make it happen.
I always wanted a mother, someone who took me in her arms and made me feel safe. My mom isn’t the cuddly type, she’s more of a tough love kinda mom. I had to learn to take care of myself in many ways from a very young age, which is probably how I adopted my responsibility and accountability belief. Ours wasn’t the type of household where we talked about our feelings, or what we were going through, it was more like we all just co-existed under one roof – each man for themselves. I never felt a sense of family. I didn’t understand what other people experienced in family. It’s probably safe to say now this is why I felt angry.
I really wanted a mom. I really needed a mom. And she was right down stairs and I didn’t feel comfortable going to her. Only this time instead of anger, I softened, and I cried instead.
I decided to hermit myself in my room. I decided we were going to just be cordial. I was in the house with them, and that was all I had at the time. My interactions were were short and brief, to the point.
I desperately wanted to feel like the person I knew I am inside, and I longed to feel happy. On no one day in particular, I started to engage with them. I had to try, practice even, and now I know what I was doing was teaching myself how to feel joy in small bursts. I didn’t realize it was joy at first, but the pleasure I was experiencing felt good. It wasn’t so bad after all. They seemed to open up a bit more, too.
I was carrying such a heavy energy that it consumed the whole house. I was the reason everyone and everything was so tense and felt nasty – Me! Am I for real that powerful? And once I shifted, they shifted too. This realization alone was a real eye opener. So I began to examine where my power lies, and what else I do with it.
Knowledge is Power and Everything is Energy. I studied this closely. Instead of believing all the opinions from others and thinking my parents were the worst in the world, I decided to find out for myself. I sat with them, did activities with them, and I observed. Not just them, but all of it. The whole of everything. The dynamic, who else, where else, why. And you know what? My parents are awesome people. I was only seeing them for who they are for the first time.
I could have thrown myself into guilt and shame, and taken on behaviors that tried to fix us. But instead I decided to wipe the slate clean and start from where we were. Instead of apologizing, I thanked them. I told them what we just did together felt awesome, that I liked it, and would like to do it again. I started to do things for them. I surprised them with gifts (tangible and sentimental) in appreciation. I celebrated them.
And I still do to this day. Now, we have great relationships. We enjoy each other. I feel like I’m part of a great family. And I let them know it.
As I found happiness and joy in life, I began focusing my next want on love. A few months later Ken came into my life.
… to be continued.