Until about 3-4ish years ago I was thin. The kind of thin everyone envied and commented on. I was fit, I worked to keep my muscles lean and defined. I had small breasts so there wasn’t a real need for a bra. I was always comfortable in my body, and my clothes. I was a dancer growing up so I spent a lot of time in a dressing room, and it’s how I learned to be body conscious. My body was my temple. And I guess good genes afforded me the freedom to not have to worry. I didn’t have to work hard at being thin, I didn’t have to work at it at all, actually.
“Just wait and see, one day it will all catch up to you” everyone said. But I wasn’t worried. All I needed was a quick glance at the mirror and I knew I was good.
Now, I look down, and I observe closely – I have no choice but to see the thickness that I have become. My always a size 4-6 is now a size 14, at least. I am no longer flat, but round. I fill my clothes, especially my pants, and everything fits uncomfortably tight. I need a bra. I can hold my breasts and make them jiggle. The ONLY way I feel comfortable is in sweats and a baggy, loose top.
I met Ken while my body was shapeshifting; Urgh why couldn’t he have met me when I was hot, and when I felt sexy? Last year we drove across the country and that seemed to give my fat the green light to do as it pleased. When I stand in front of the mirror now and look at myself I turn side to side, and I look at everything. Even if I suck in, the girth of my waist is bigger than I ever imagined I would ever possibly be. I count the rolls in my sides. I feel my fullness in the tub. I lay down naked and I think about what he sees.
He never met the skinny me, so he accepts my body unconditionally. I want to see my body as he sees it. I try to soften in my judgements as I touch and study the new me. I remind myself what I went through, and that subconsciously I was trying to be invisible. I didn’t like my world then.
As I expand and grow, my body is too. There’s more for me to love. There’s more of me to want, and hold on to. All I have to do is agree. I’m learning to love me.
Lisa Karasek is a Quantum Healer and Intuitive Practitioner able to powerfully transform your state of being by guiding you to a healthier, happier, and more purposeful life using ancient, multi-dimentional healing modalities, angelic energies, and consciousness based practices. Lisa is passionate and dedicated to helping you work with the dynamics of your Authentic Self Relationship.