Have you ever heard about a couple that married after only knowing each other a week or two? What’s your opinion on arranged marriages? I always thought they were crazy. How could someone know that fast? What’s the divorce rate on those demographics?
I didn’t feel free – that’s why I thought those relationship types were bonkers. I wasn’t in control, and in my own ways about my life I was figuring out how to be. I’ve lived a lot of situations and circumstances where that particular battle was tested over and over again. I remember my one consistent thought for myself was the longing to know what free felt like. Free to BE Me.
Some of you know my story of abuse and having a stalker. The phrase “I was hunted in the streets” was the one I used the most when telling my story, and I wrote that phrase in my chapter in the book Find Your Voice Save Your Life. Being hunted certainly doesn’t provide all the warm and fuzzies of mental freedom, and the emotional anguish with what you live in certainly doesn’t feel all that amazing either. No wonder I had opinions and judgements around relationships. Notice I’m saying had.
I knew if I were to find a partner I would need to be able to trust him. He wouldn’t be the type to want to try to take me away from who I am, or seperate me from my people. And he would need to be able to support me no matter what. I absolutely did not think finding that person was possible. I had such a low expectation of men that I resolved to be alone for the rest of my life. And I had such a lowered sense of self worth that I had decided that free was something I could possibly never know. I dropped all expectations for happiness from men, and dissolved all of my dreams for finding one.
After feeling more stable in my decision, and making true effort of committed joy for my life because I respect myself and love myself unconditionally, not only did I find my worth, I met my man. Through Divine channels that really don’t make any logical sense at all except to those who understand the ways of the universe and what the true meaning Trust holds – Ken and I somehow found each other.
After knowing each other roughly two weeks we lept into a journey that both took us across the country, and into each others arms forever. We traveled the initial physical distance in a small hybrid car, with just a few bags of clothes and toiletries – compacted in every sense of the word. We learned about each other in the most outstanding way!
When we left we had every intention of returning home to the east coast, but we came into Utah and we felt ready to stay still for a bit; falling in love on so many levels and in so many ways. We secured an apartment and started moving in our new direction. There was a lot of work to jump into immediately – finding work, building a new for us home, buying some basics, having things shipped from home. Again, we learned a lot about each other in a very short period of time. We each learned a lot about our true needs and wants on a whole new level. We did a great job.
As these hustles and bustles settled down some and we were gaining traction in our new realities and dynamics we both started to notice things – about each other, and our ways, and I guess you can say things stirred up. We started fighting. Some really heavy and complex shit came up. For both of us our emotions were in overload, and we began questioning what to do. It was only a few months of living together.
Ken and I have consciously committed to each other, and we will get through. We both want a partner who raises us up, who can be available and provide the support needed to grow and develop. And we already know that when we’re good, we’re good. We’ve got this. So why the fights?
Individually we reached out for help, allowing us to speak for ourselves and receive what we needed from our peers and mentors. We also enlisted the help of professionals who provided energy healing and counseling. We both had a lot of emotionally charged energies that were stored in us and needed to be released. We both had emotional and relationship cords that were ready to be cleared. Upgrades to our mindsets needed to occur, so the garbage had to be taken out. Some of the things we learned is that both of us had environments and relationship teachers growing up that haven’t served us. Our role models didn’t have their own freedoms in a sense, and were deeply wounded emotionally. They modeled to us what toxicity looks and feels like. Now, with Ken and I each facing our dream relationship, we had to learn what energies belonged to us, and which didn’t. We began a new quest, or process, really. This new practice will bring about the awareness we need in real time to guide us to our true goals, and not have us guessing if we’re going to get what we want or not. We want to ensure neither of us will feel rejected or need to get defensive.
What we’re doing is deciphering which of the energies are adopted and/or limiting beliefs that we have to process out. Then we only have to support and nurture the energies that are our true desires. We are consciously and positively questioning who’s mirroring who, and what, to answer the why. And we’re just getting started!
For both Ken and I our self love and respect, and our love for each other remains a priority. Our fights were both of us saying no to what we didn’t want. And that meant fighting each other on some pretty hefty beliefs and energies. We’re creating new dynamics and a process that’s just for us. We’re actually creating our deepest desires together, for each other, and in a way thats growing each of us in the most special way. We are paving our path for true happiness, with Love.