I take long walks as often as I can. It’s not only about the physical exercising of my body, it’s primarily for keeping my peace and my sanity. Yesterday I took a nice, long walk, and as the suns rays reached me and helped me break a bit of a sweat, I felt other stuff leaving me, too. Isn’t it funny how the most random things pop in your mind when you least expect it? 

I’ve experienced a lot of change in the last year or so. I exited a significant, and toxic relationship, and I moved more than once from having roommates to being on my own. While I try to keep a clear mind while I walk to allow all the juicy goodness to come to me, all the other stuff runs through my head too. Luckily all that stuff cycles out first, so by the end of my walks I’m in a new mood and a renewed state of being. When I’m super down, I walk. I don’t return home until my spirits are up and I’m inspired to overcome and do what I need to do. 

I’ve only been in my new place a couple of months, and my walks right now are fun. I’m like a little girl, I’m having fun exploring my new neighborhood. A few times now I’ve noticed my thoughts on my walks, and I’m happy to report I’m not getting triggered. In fact I’m celebrating and discussing this with you because not only am I not getting triggered, my thoughts are going places they’ve never gone before. Like flashbacks almost, I think of everyone who has moved through my life since I’ve moved across the country. I’ve been having weird dreams about my family, too. 

For the first time in my life my nervous system isn’t going berserk, I’m not panicking, and I’m actually maintaining a baseline of calm. The really cool thing is I’m not spiraling, but smiling. Yes. Each time one of my exes pops into my head, or a specific memory involving them, I feel gratitude for how far I’ve come. Yes, in part because of them. Instead of anger though, I think about them being in a better place, and happier now that we’re not together. And then I walk a little further in peace. 

I am coming back to myself, and I’m feeling the power of my self. It’s been a challenging journey for me, and because of it I’m loving myself and everything I have like I never have before. 

When you’ve left a toxic and abusive relationship, and you’ve been granted the time and space to recoup, you become intimate with the profound luxury of self care and self awareness. I’m no longer held back from being manipulated, disappointed, frustrated, and angry. And if you’ve been following me for any amount of time, you know how letting go of my anger has been a thing for me for quite some time. 

I understand this is just the beginning. I’ve only been gifted this time and space for a relatively short span of time, so I can only continue to grow and fall in love more. 

I remember when I was seeking what joy and happiness felt like, I honestly didn’t know. And now I feel them all the time. I reached that goal, and I’m learning there’s even more for me to find. The fact that it’s spring is not lost on me today. 

I think the reason each of these memories and recollections about my exes are coming up is because I need to make room for something new. I can’t hold onto all the negativity. I have dreams for myself, and I am worthy.